guess I'm ok then

I'll take this as a sign...ok angel dear, stop giggling

what a week and it's only Tuesday

I was minding my own business, working away and I had a request for some information,
I pulled up the document in question only to find I created it on 2/2/17...

damn it, this is so f-ing unfair

I think you'd like this

I've shared this before on facebook and I can see this as something you would tell me,
and yes it's hard to do.

tub...

hey dearest!!

saw this and immediately wanted to post it to you...

and yes I'm laughing and crying at the same time...

missing  you so much

hi dearest angel

still having issues with the blog...it's being temperamental!! so goes my life.

I am going through all the different stages of grief all over again...I avoid things some days just so I don't cry and think about you. Funny that it doesn't work!! You are always in my thoughts, I miss  you so much.

beginning another week

of missing  you...

I don't walk at lunch much or blog because when I do I cry...I miss you so much, I miss your voice, the hold music on your phone, your laugh, your tales of your day at school....I miss your friendship and sisterhood.

I miss you...

once again

having trouble accessing...very strange...

I've not been writing for a number of reasons, I guess the main reason is so I don't cry so much, same reason I haven't been walking much at lunch, well that and the rainstorms...it is hurricane season

I miss you so much; still hard to believe you are gone

I can see again!!

finally I can access my/our blog!!

hate to have this be what I'm going to tell you but Matt does not have a ride next year, JGR is giving Erik Jones the 20 car for the 2018 season...

no such luck

still having problems...stop laughing!

I don't understand why when I have time to write I can't access our blog but when I need to get ready for work it opens...I'll try again when I get home...

miss you, never doubt that...

problems blogging

so sorry dearest angel but I've had problems with the blog site not loading...so frustrating when I've had things to write and tell you...

so many reminders of you every day...hoping this will save and I'll start fresh tomorrow...

Going to start looking down

not ready

I know  you're disappointed but I'm just not ready to read "Shopaholic Ties The Knot". I know, it's just the title but it reminds me of you and it's still too fresh. I'm taking it back to the library since I've had it checked out for over 2 months.

tgif??

yeah, not so much any more...ok, I like the fact that it's the weekend but I don't like not having you to talk to as I drive to the parents...there are things to talk about and only you understand. a perfect example is today when I took my walk at lunch, I thought I was actually going to make it without a tear but as soon as that thought popped into my head I started to cry...

I miss you so much and I don't know if that will ever stop.

my sweet boy

once again Hiccup is saving my day, it's hard to be sad when this sweet canine plays the clown.
He does his best to make me smile, he is so silly. He's been on the pillow next to me, reaching his paw to touch me, then he gets on top of me and lays back, then suddenly he's off to chase his ball or bark at Harry. I don't miss you as much on nights like this....

yes!!!

monday monday

day after Father's Day...just like the Monday after Mother's Day your parents are in my thoughts. I really want to send them a card but every time I try to write to them I cry. I know my grief is nothing compared to theirs.

Just something else to ponder on my way to work...

another Friday

of all the days of the week Friday is always the hardest to get through but it seems to be getting a tiny bit better at least today wasn't so bad. Yes I ramble but it's what I do best! I think I worry that one day I will forget and that in my mind and heart would be terrible. I don't ever want to forget you or what you meant in my life.

selfie with the boys!!

yeah, Harry and Hiccup just don't get it!! but on a day that I needed to smile they helped!

missing you more than words will ever be able to express dearest angel.

anniversary

an·ni·ver·sa·ry

[ˌanəˈvərs(ə)rē]

NOUN

anniversaries (plural noun)

1. the date on which an event took place in a previous year:

   "the 50th anniversary of the start of World War II" ·

   [more]

   "anniversary celebrations"

   • the date on which a country or other institution was founded in a previous year:
     "Canada's 125th anniversary"
   • the date on which a couple was married in a previous year:
     "he even forgot our tenth anniversary!"
   • informal
     the date on which a romance began in a previous month or week.

ORIGIN

Middle English: from Latin anniversarius ‘returning yearly,’ from annus ‘year’ + versus ‘turning.’

I should be talking to you about how you celebrated your 1 month anniversary as a newlywed but instead I'm trying not to cry, I know this won't be the first anniversary this year that will make me cry.

hiccup

I am sitting in front of my lap top and sweet Hiccup is sitting on top of me staring at the screen. he reaches out to my hand, not sure if he wants me to pet him or help him type!

he's been such a joy and his antics have helped me so much on those days when I just want to cry

dearest angel

Thank you for watching over me, it has been a rough week and I'm still hurting, something new to get use to but in time I'll be fine.

You were in my thoughts everyday but I didn't have enough of myself available to write.

reason 2

Dover

Today was the first race at Dover and what do you know Jimmie won again! It was a weird race but then this has been that kind of year. The stage racing is different and keeps you guessing on what will happen next!

Matt started off doing fairly well in row 2 and ended the race in 13th.

Watching Columbo right now on ME TV...so much fun when the guy kills his golden goose. I know you'd have loved this episode.


I don't want to jump to conclusions but it may be getting a little easier...I'll let you know when I'm sure..

you always find a way...

power went out for a couple hours so I played cards, yes I own a deck of real playing cards, we ate dinner, pizza! Walked the dogs and sat on the back deck and read a book. So I came in to take a picture once the power came back on...and no I didn't plan that and only noticed once it was loaded on the computer!

Thank you for always being here with me...

rough days ahead

dearest angel,

going to ask for your forgiveness incase over the next several days I don't write much, getting ready for a couple of rough days in my future. I know I haven't written everyday but you know you are forever in my thoughts and heart. We do talk at least once a day, ok you listen I talk!

and yes I still miss you more than I ever thought possible, my tears still flow. Still wondering why...

reason 1

one year ago

yes, it's been one whole year since I was handed a leash and my little boy never looked back!!

end of a long weekend

the last race ended at 12:20 am this morning and dang it all if cowboy hat didn't win...and yes he slid on the in field!!

parentals and I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy volume 2, yes Chris Pratt and Kurt Russell looked amazing!! Even Sly had a cameo and dang even he looked good! the soundtrack is great.

my ride home was uneventful, finished a book, the 8th in a series, need to see how many more there are and pace myself!

thought about you often, things only you would understand...miss you so much...

big race day has begun

so, the Monaco Grand Prix is on with of course 2 Haas cars then the Indy 500 and surprise, Tony has a car in it! then the longest NASCAR race of the year the 600. Kevin has the pole!

Funny thing is I don't miss being in Charlotte for the race, it can be brutally hot and it is a long day. No, I'm not putting a happy face on it. I have enjoyed listening to Clint on the scanner, he and Buga seem to be ok together but I do miss Bob, Clints spotter Brett is funny though.

Goats again

saw this and yes I thought of you, apparently goats in Amsterdam climb brick walls!!

Yesterday

Not a stellar day for me...

At one point while I was sitting at my desk typing away I felt tears rolling down my face. I calmly got up and went to the ladies room and silently burst into tears. It was a combination of things; it's the end of the school year and it's race week in Charlotte. Yeah, a combination bound to bring tears and I have no one to talk to about this. You understand why, I know there will be days like this but this happened so out of the blue but at least I realized why.

next up for Rebecca

once again having a hard time with Miss Bloomwood but for a totally different reason. The next book in the series is Shopaholic ties the knot; to be honest my heart isn't in it. I did renew the book so I have it checked out for another month. I'm hoping that in a week or 2 I can crack the book open and start to read it. Yes, a challenge I intend to keep!!

Dash

I saw a photo, a facebook meme with the back of a headstone and basically it said it's not about the start date or end date but about the dash.

Wow! seriously, that is incredible when you think about it, the dash...the life between the dates.
Oh my, what a dash you left, the lives you touched every single day you were on this earth.
I am honored to have been your friend. I constantly remember things you did and said to me.

I know it wasn't perfect but it was you, you were always honest, funny, caring. Yes, you got angry but after a little venting all was mostly good!!

I miss our IM-ing "stickers", I miss you telling me to have sweet dreams when I'd let you know I was signing off for the night.

I love the dash that was your life.

sleep got the best of me again

yes dearest I am still here...

a long day on Friday and a long night on Saturday and not a word on the blog!!


I was contemplating all day Friday about what I was going to write once I got to the parentals but it didn't happen and yesterday, well, it was the All Star Race, ugh! hate that NASCAR keeps changing the format...anyway with all that frustration I just went to be.

This morning I woke up and  decide to go take some pictures of the new art on Lemon Street. On the way home I drove by Lake Morton and saw some interesting ideas for pictures and parked at the library. On my way to the lake I saw the beautiful roses that Lakeland does such a nice job growing and one bloom caught my attention and I knew you were with me.

Them

Every Thursday in May Turner Classic Movies is playing old time "horror" movies, the kind I can watch, you know Godzilla, Rodan and tonight it's "Them" with James Arness and Edmund Gwynn-my favorite Santa Claus!! Giant Ants because of the Atomic Bomb!! To be followed by "Godzilla, King of the Monsters", which I will fall asleep to!!

I loved how we both loved silly classic tv and the odd tv channels like Me-TV.

a loss for words

seriously, I don't have much to say...I did see a clip for the new Minion movie, actually it's Despicable Me 3 but well, we love those little yellow guys! It rained tonight, first real rain in months, rained for about 45 minutes!!! Tomorrow would be my fathers 88th birthday and the beginning of my 3 least favorite months, honestly hadn't given this period of time much thought the last couple of years but now that you are up there...well, now it's on my mind. but I'll be ok, go say hi to him, he'd like you and he'll have some good jokes to share.

made me think of you

I saw these today and yes, I thought of you...

another Monday Monday

not my normal Monday either. I took the day off to get some stuff done. Mom and I kind of continued our Mother's Day weekend stuff. We got to do lunch and thanks to Kevin Harvick we got a free bloomin' onion! We did a little shopping and I got my ears re-pierced again, 3rd time for my oldest holes...

traffic wasn't bad on the way home and I need to go food shopping but I had a rough weekend as far as sleep goes and so I'm in for the night.

thank you for keeping an eye on me, one day I'll tell you some things I've been holding in, plans I wanted to make but couldn't..things I did today reminded me of them...

yesterday

wow, as if the day wasn't hard enough it got worse and I needed to talk to you for purely selfish reasons...I can't be someone I'm not, I am not a vengeful rotten person, and as much as I could talk to you about what I'd like to do to some people you always knew that I would never hurt someone on purpose. That being said, why do some think it's ok to treat me like dirt, people who are suppose to care about me. yeah, I hear you, then they really don't care...so let them go...but I can't and you know that...the damn Pollyana in me hopes that there is good in everyone and no one is a lost cause...
damn it I miss you so much...

this...

May 13, 2017

As today begins dearest angel, I am sending out a wish and a prayer that all your family and friends have a joyous day remembering the wonderful life you lead and to try and not dwell on the life that didn't happen.


I'll let you know how my part goes later!!

love you little sister now and forever

one day at a time

I'm doing my best to just get through the next couple of days without crying my eyes out; trying to listen to your voice in my head saying "it will be ok Chica".

I had plans to do one thing but I decided to immerse myself in Mother's Day weekend and I think  Mom is pretty happy with that. I had a cake made for her that she really likes and she was so surprised when I handed her the cake box and she saw the pink confection.

Dinner tonight was one of her favorites, of course, snow crab and hash browns. After dinner entertainment is the truck race in Kansas and a flip over to a hockey game-playoff time.

I know you're watching over all of us and that makes me happy, I really like having a special angel up there in heaven even if I wish you were still here with us especially this weekend.

sending prayers out to all your family and friends...missing you so much

an idea, a little silly but I think it might help!!

Remember during my walk yesterday I told you about an idea, some thing a little silly but I truly think this may help me! I really liked one of the pictures I took at work during employee appreciation week and being a hero or villain!! this idea will also tie into one of the "resolutions" I wanted to accomplish this year but in a different way!! Yes, this will be a version of a  photo challenge with a Flat Stanley twist!!

I think you will really get a kick out of this...

thank you dearest angel for being the inspiration on this little adventure...

being Brave

it would be so much easier if I were a Scottish Princess named Merida, she said sighing heavily.

I'm trying to be brave, strong, full of laughter and light and not saying how difficult each day is and how much this all sucks more than ever this week; reminding myself that if I can get through this week there is a very good chance that it will get easier and my grief will not overcome or overwhelm me.

another day goes by

still getting through each day but this week it just seems harder, yes, the reason is obvious and it brings the loss of you so much deeper in my heart. I think about what we should be doing, the phone calls, the venting, the messages on facebook, voice mails blowing up my phone. knowing by weeks end you would be just fine and ready for the next chapter...

sorry if this is the theme this week but this is where my grief is leading me...yes I am trying to be who you would want me to be but damn it I miss you...

no walk today

I didn't walk at lunch today, I wasn't feeling very brave. I should be talking to you about your wedding and the end of the school year. I knew if I went walking I'd just be crying. I think I'll play it day by day. Even my plans for Saturday have changed, I think...think I may do something with Mom, like we use to do when my grandma was here. Every other year it was a movie then the next would be a ball game...I think it will be a movie...

Yesterday

I know you were thrilled, I got to see my nieces yesterday!! Ella, the youngest, plays on a traveling soccer team and they played not too far from us in a 2 day tournament. We met the whole gang for breakfast, we even got Grandpa (pops) to go!!

Taylor will be in 10th grade next year!! YIKES!!! and she's got her learners permit!! She has grown into such a beautiful young lady,

Livvi and Ava are still a different as night and day but you can see the twin connection. Such smart, bright girls!!

and of course Ella Bella!! the little goalie with a winning personality and wit!!

One of these days we going to watch Ella play soccer! It just would have been too long a day for Pops and his ankle and Chloe had her legs crossed and needed a walk. But we had a really nice time and Pops got to talk to Carmella and we got to know John a little more. He is such a great guy and I'm so glad he is there to take care of the girls, all 5 of them!

Cinco de May Not!

yes, I knew as I started to shut down my computer that I hadn't written anything here and I'd been thinking all day about what I wanted to write about but once I got to my parents house and finally turned on the laptop something sidetracked me and yes it was you, well a memory on Facebook from you...

I didn't realize you posted the pictures of the goat I sent you on Cinco De Mayo 2015.

I love when you let me know you're watching over me...

May 4th

or as many call it Star Wars Day...

as the days draw closer to the 13th you're in my thoughts and heart even more if that is possible.

I was thinking about you today and the phone conversation we should be having, I'd laugh and tell you to take a deep breath and everything would be just fine...yes Chica I'll try to remember what I should be telling you...eventually everything will be fine just not the way I expected it to be.

minions

I found this page on facebook with all kinds of Minion Memes and of course I thought of you.

this is so you!!

No other words are necessary except thanks for letting me know you're watching over me, you always know when I need a laugh.

Monday, Monday

not a bad day at all, just another day...


Looks like I'm going to see at least one niece this weekend, there's a soccer tournament halfway between St Petersburg and Lakeland and we're set meet Carmella and at least Ella for breakfast!!

I just wanted to hear your voice today...just to see how you were...it was that brief second I forgot, I think it happens at least once a day but I push it quickly aside, then again maybe not!!

Race Day at Richmond

well, it didn't go like we hoped but Matt did lead a lot of laps. Kevin and Clint had ok days. Jr, who announced he's retiring at the end of the year, had a fairly rotten day. For some reason the scanner on NASCAR.com is still working so I listened to Buga and Clint and the Boss!! Clint's spotter , Brett, is  pretty good but I miss Bob.

quiet day

it's getting hot here so we did things early...walked the dogs and ran a few errands.

We took Pops to the new BBQ place Mom and I found and he seemed to enjoy it.

Mom and I watched "Sing" this animated movie about a singing contest with animals...I wasn't sure I would like it, a bit slow in the middle but it got better at the end!!

Right now Hiccup is sleeping by me but I know as soon as move he'll head to the front door so he can go out and bark!! and of course Harry will try to get out and hunt lizards in the dark!!

Life is moving on and I still miss you. as silly as it may sound I want to always miss you so I don't forget the impact you've had in my life.

turning point?

wow! I'll bet you were dancing on the clouds this afternoon!! So happy that the pole sitter for Sundays race is Matt!!!!!

funny not funny

I found something out today, no I won't write specifics but dearest angel you will know what and who I'm talking about and to be honest the specifics of the moment aren't important.

I've learned something important about myself, I will take all kinds of abuse from my friends when they are in need no matter how I've been treated  but I will never forget how I've been treated. This information will make me guarded and careful of my heart but it will also make me stronger and hopefully a better friend.

yes, I'm a glutton for punishment, this will never change but I fully realize this. and it's so true that God works in mysterious ways. I would never wish on anyone things that have happened to a friend or two or three. Yes, this has been an interesting week and as always in your honor I will be better as a friend because you never know how much that friendship can mean to another.

Thank you so much for the many lessons you taught me. Missing you so much more today... Please keep those angel eyes on me!

one year ago today

We got our first look at Hiccup!!

Yes, he was and is adorable but my heart wasn't really ready...

But you knew I was going to come home with him in May after the race.

How could I not fall in love with this little face??

too far out of the box...

so this week is employee appreciation week at work. we are all superheroes, I really need to take pictures of the decorations, they are amazing! ok, beside the point, so yesterday we had a breakfast, sort of, nothing hot, but it was better than nothing and we all were told our super powers, I have laser vision! funny, I do need new glasses, lol.

today we were to dress like our favorite hero, yeah, I thought too far out of the box and did my best to represent you! it was more props but it made me feel good after the crying fest I had yesterday! I even brought an Otis wanna be with a little reindeer!!

you really were my hero, thinking everyday what you did. teaching good kids, difficult kids, dealing with other teachers and administrators. taking care of Geoff, worrying about him, loving him. being a wonderful, caring, loving daughter, niece, friend and mama to Otis

thank you...

dark morning clouds

this mornings pre work walk, dang that's a mouthful, anyway, the sky this morning was cloudy and dark, the little bits of sunrise seemed red and angry. My day and mood seemed to fall that way, I cried a lot today. Yes, feeling sorry for myself. I really do try not to get upset on a daily basis, but I feel the loss of you in my life almost every day. Yes, you are that important to me. This grief stuff really truly sucks...

Sunday night

I'm sitting here watching ME-TV, yes Columbo is on...Harry is curled up in the little bed that Hiccup picked out and Hiccup is sleeping under my laptop table. I was thinking how blessed I am to have my furbabies. My thoughts drift to another cat, a black cat with a stuffed reindeer. I hope Otis is ok, I keep him and Geoff in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope you're ok up there in the heaven, when I looked up at the stars a minute ago, Hiccup insisted on going out, I tried to decide which star is yours. I'll have to think on it some more...

Race Weekend in Bristol

yes, she's at it again, Mother Nature is proving once again how much she hate NASCAR!

She took care of qualifying and cutie Kyle has the pole. She almost got the Xfinity race today but they finally got it done. But tomorrows Cup race is in danger and I might not get to see it except it highlights Monday after work. boo hiss....

Cotton Candy Clouds

I walked before work this morning and the clouds were pink wisps of cotton candy...it wasn't quite sunrise, it was that time of the morning when the sun is just starting to peek out of the horizon in the east. You know how I try to walk as much as possible, determined to get my steps and now that summer is upon us, lol, well it is down here!! I have to walk early to get all the steps in!!

sorry, rambling again about nothing...I don't have to tell you how much I miss you but I will. It still sucks and I still cry everyday and most of the time when I'm typing this as well. I wonder when the tears will stop and still don't want them too stop ever.

I may be hooked...

I can't believe it but I may actually be enjoying learning about Rebecca Bloomwood. I finished book 2 and have requested the next one from the library.

Yes, she does seem to have some redeeming qualities and the books aren't bad even if they aren't mysteries!! I still think I will continue to read the actual books instead of my norm, books on cd.
The woman who reads the series has an annoying voice!!

I owe you an apology

I promised to do some things a few weeks ago and still haven't. I'm sorry and I don't have a good excuse or even a bad one. Just that weird part of my personality that is afraid of sharing my part of you.

You and I have (had) a special friendship, we never met face to face, not that I have to tell you that. We met thanks to our love of Tony Stewart and NASCAR racing and along the way discovered despite what many think you can find friends, true friends over the internet and telephone. We laughed and cried together, shared our triumphs and sorrows. We vented and giggled. We made plans, we had adventures, celebrated birthdays and holidays, we shared recipes, photos and our lives. We were there for each other. So, I suppose I need to be honest with you, I'm not sure I want to share with those who knew you up close and personal. I'm a tiny bit jealous and worried they won't understand that my grief is just as real as theirs. Silly I know. Ok, rambling on,  I'm done for now and I will reach out and take a chance. (and not just because I keep hearing your voice urging me on)

Gnome with a new home

I've trying to find a gnome or two or three for my parents backyard with no luck until Friday. I found a little guy to live with the gardenia I got mom for Easter. hope you approve!!

must be spring

I'm up to my old tricks and painting flamingoes again! I even bought Pops 2 new ones for the backyard an he hasn't noticed them yet!!

I cleaned off the front yard birds with steel wool and washed them down yesterday.

today I placed them in the yard and painted them. I'm almost out of paint but this is a good start!

writing...again

I have a feeling you're working against this idea of mine, but I'm going to try anyway. I haven't been able to write anything on the story you loved so much. I have been playing around with an idea, a total re-write. Yes, it's a bit brutal but I have to be, maybe when I can feel that warm feeling inside I can put the story back to how you like it but I think this is how I feel right now.

Funny thing as I write I realize only you would understand this, this gibberish I've blurted out.

and yes, this still sucks big time, I'm not sure I can even write or rewrite the story but I need to try and help myself heal.

giving in

to the wine!!!

It's a Thursday night and I don't have to work tomorrow, it's Good Friday.

I had wine with dinner and I am letting go that is until my body falls asleep which if I now myself will be very soon. sorry for the run on sentence.

Maybe I can be part time wine girl!! in your honor.

one month from tomorrow

31 days away and there should be a wedding but there won't be at least not one that matters to me.
It's the day you should be walking down the aisle to meet your groom but for a reason only God knows this isn't happening. All the plans have been set aside, cancelled as your friends and family do their best to move on. I think some are doing this better than others. I'm not sure how I'm getting by, I write to you almost every day and talk to you all the time and yes I cry; mainly because I am feeling sorry for myself, I know what I lost and it hurts. I lost one of the best friends I'll ever have and I miss that friendship and love more than words can ever say.

I promise...

I won't ever forget you so I really don't need reminders two days in a row!! it happened again today around the same time as yesterday. I could hear the music coming from my co workers cubical and yes I cried again.

thank you for being there, I truly love having my angel watching over me.

It happens when I least expect it

I was busy at work, I think I was just getting frustrated at my work when I heard the music and knew I hadn't dialed your number but there it was the music asking me to wait for you. It turned out one of my co-workers was on hold for a member. I stared at my computer monitor with tears rolling down my face.

Have I told you this week how much this SUCKS??????

Will it ever get easier and do I really want it too?

I think the anger is back.

missing you still

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“When one person is missing the whole world seems empty.”
― Pat Schweibert, Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss

“Grieving doesn't make you imperfect. It makes you human.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

Friday traffic from you know where....

twice in one week I've had horrific traffic heading home...the other day there was a crash on the bridge and today there were brush fires not too far from where I live.

I took the strangest route home, I think I took almost every main road in Pinellas County!! I left work at around 4:30pm and didn't get home until 6:40pm.

Once I packed up the car and the boys I started to head to the parentals but had to turn around there was so much traffic, I didn't realize that the only highway through Pinellas was closed. But I did get to see Kevin and Clints interviews on FS1!! oh, there is a great ad with Matt too!!

missing you so much....

Smurfs

Yes, they are back! Every time I see the trailer I think of you! (not that I need an excuse, a day doesn't go by when you aren't in my thoughts at one time or another)

Otis and Harry

😸😹😺😻😼😽😾😿🙀

I found these cat faces here as I was trying to decide what to write about and of course they remind me of Otis...

I wonder how he is, I know that Harry misses me when I'm not around by the way he acts when I am home, he likes being near me.

At this exact moment he's in the bed he and Hiccup share, I sprayed it with catnip spray last weekend and it must still have a lingering scent. He will just eat dry catnip but the spray makes him nuts!

I wonder what things Otis is "stealing" , I remember when you found his stash!!

My heart aches for him, I hope all is well....

For Good

For good

I've heard it said

 That people come into our lives for a reason

 Bringing something we must learn

 And we are led

 To those who help us most to grow

 If we let them

 And we help them in return

 Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

 But I know I'm who I am today

 Because I knew you...

 Like a comet pulled from orbit

 As it passes a sun

 Like a stream that meets a boulder

 Halfway through the wood

 Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

 Because I knew you

 I have been changed for good

It well may be

 That we will never meet again

 In this lifetime

 So let me say before we part

 So much of me

 Is made of what I learned from you

 You'll be with me

 Like a handprint on my heart

 And now whatever way our stories end

 I know you have re-written mine

 By being my friend...

 Like a ship blown from its mooring

 By a wind off the sea

 Like a seed dropped by a skybird

 In a distant wood

 Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

 But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good



whenever I hear this song I think of you and how much you mean to me and most of all how much I miss you

not a day goes by

when you are not in my thoughts...when I'm at work it's usually when I'm walking at lunchtime,
one day last week I looked up at the clouds and saw some animals hiding in the white puffy cottonballs and thought I should call and tell you, then I just started to cry.

I can hear you now...

"I want one"

I saw these and knew, yes, mini donkeys!!! Almost as cute as Rose!!

Fridays are the worst

I love coming to my parents on Fridays and but I hate the drive, more now than ever before. 2 months ago I still had you. I could count on my phone to ring. Now I make sure I have a book to listen to and that my IPOD is charged, I have to keep my mind busy or I start to cry and can't see the road. I know I missed my father and grandfather when they died and I missed Tiffany, Widget, Sweet Pea, Rascal and Button but I don't think I realized how much I miss you, my little sister, my angel. I know I'm not the only one. You made such an impact on the lives of your friends and family and coworker and students.

Maks

oh no!! Maks got hurt during rehearsal, a freak accident and the doctors want him out for a month but of course he wants to be back on DWTS asap!

I love reading all the "headlines", all the drama, even accusations of sabotage!!

It's funny, I never would have ever watched Dancing with the Stars if you hadn't talked so much about Maksim Chmerkovskiy!

Can't believe it

but on Sunday it will be 2 months, exactly 60 days without you. And yes, the sense of loss is still new, fresh and unbelievable. I will admit that writing to you here and talking to you on my walks makes it a tiny bit easier; just a tiny bit.

I miss you dearest angel.

Just doin' what I always do but...

You had something else in mind, you know I adore those little reminders you give me that you are watching over me but seriously Jules, do you have to do them 2 days in a row?

I was leaving the building for my lunch time walk and of course I told you I'd gotten a card to send your parents, now, when I left the office building there were NO vehicles any where in my sight line, but by the time I got to the end of the building suddenly there was mail truck. Really? How obvious could you be and quick too! Talking about your parents and a dang USPS Truck drives up...and yes darn you I lost it for a few minutes.

I miss you so much, I need to hear your voice, oh yeah, you did that to me also today. It was so clear in my head, "What's going on?". I think I've been afraid I'd forget the sound of your voice but nope, I mean how could I?

and yes this still sucks...

Rebecca Bloomwood

Ok, I did finish Shopaholic and I don't find Rebecca Bloomwood as annoying when I read her instead of listening to her. I'm even going to look for the next in the series. Please do not say I told you so!!

Damn, but I'd really love it if you did. Miss you my sweet dear angel.

lunchtime tears

so I started on my lunchtime walk and of course I was thinking about you. I looked down and saw a little bird feather and my mind went to thoughts of my friend Karen, whenever she sees a feather it reminds her of her older brother who is up there with you. Then I laughed because every time I see a goat  picture or video I think of you; mainly because of all your tales of Megan's Rose. Then I thought about Megan and wondered if I should reach out to her, invite her to read this blog and if I invite her shouldn't I invite Kelly too.  My thinking is I'm not the only one who misses you more than words can say. By this time I was in the parking lot by the apartment complex that shares the office park with my work building; a car pulled in by the mail boxes and I could just make out the red, white and blue license plate as it drove by me and I broke into sobs, yep Maryland.

So I balled my eyes out for a while contemplating this blog and the idea of sharing not just with Megan and Kelly but all our friends. Maybe others need someone to talk to about their feelings, about you. I think I'd like that because it would be great to know I'm not alone.

I promise to reach out to Megan and Kelly in a day or two decide about the others, of course I can already hear  you say "Go for it Chica!"

Fontana and other Sunday musings

I don't know who hexed Matt Kenseth but someone must have...thought he was going to have a good race but dang it all if he didn't get tapped from behind and hit the inner wall. But Clint did pretty good, finished 3rd, best of all the SHR drivers.

The boys are curled up on my bed and I'm watching ME-TV, yes Columbo!

I finished 2 books today, one romance and one sort of Science Mystery. I've started to reread the "Cat Who" books for a break, they are pretty light and easy plus I love KoKo and YumYum.


Only a few tears this weekend, doesn't mean it's getting easier or maybe it does...I still miss you so much.

Topiaries of the Flower and Garden Festival

well, it took 2 trips but I found them all! It made for a nice walk around EPCOT the first day by myself and today with mom.

 Lightning McQueen, of course

 Ti double ger

Panda in China

I hate Fridays

Not really but Friday is the day I miss you the most. The drive after work won't be as bad as usual since the time change and I won't have to drive in the dark, but I expect more traffic than last week since Spring Break is over and everyone will be back on the road and not I'm not exaggerating, leaving Pinellas and going into Hillsborough county will be a you know what!!

I guess it's a good thing I have a good book to listen too instead of getting my phone call from you.

Spring, sort of

Yes, it's now Spring and down here we're lucky we've had the mild weather for a few day because I think Summer begin later today!! I even had my A/C on yesterday for a little bit. And we also turned the clocks back last weekend so Hiccup and I have been able to do afternoon walks at the park much to Harry's dismay. I did put a harness on the fluffy feline but he didn't really like it!

I can hear you laughing and calling me a mean mommy...

last night

It's so funny, I was sitting in front of my laptop last night thinking about what I wanted to write and to be honest I had it all in my head that when I shut down I thought I'd done it...yes, I was and am tired. I hate those days when my brain is so busy I can't think straight or remember if I've done something.

I miss you so much, I try to think of what you'd say to me and it hurts my heart and the tears flow. I have no clue what stage of grief this is, maybe I've created a new one, frustration.

And of course I now have no clue what I was going to write last night...figures...

Shopaholic

Yes, I gave up on the audio version of one of your favorite books for the paper version. Much much better for me, I don't cringe when I know what's going to happen next!! I can hear you laughing at me and I miss that so much.

Just want you to know that this really really sucks big time and I'll never accept it, silly I know, there you go laughing at me again.

 I think I need to buy stock in Kleenix

Dearest Angel

Just wanted you to know it's not getting any easier. On my way home this afternoon I found myself reaching for my phone to call you; then I stopped as realization hit me, tears rolled down my face.

It's the west coast swing last week was Vegas, this week is Phoenix and next Fontana. Matt just lost a right front tire and slammed the safer barrier. Funny, they just started back and 2 more cars wrecked.
Jamie Little talked to Matt, still not sure about his beard, but this is his 2nd DNF out of 4 races. You need to keep an eye on him...

Can you imagine I had nothing to write?

True I didn't write last night, I'd already shut down the computer when I realized it. Truthfully I was all written out. No, I didn't have a bad day at work, on the contrary, I'm busy but not stressed. I guess if was like one of our rare phone calls when I had nothing to say, I was just feeling nothing.

Mom and I are going to our happy place, we've done that most weekends in the past 6 weeks.

Audio Books

One of the many things we have in common is our love of books but our taste in reading material is extremely different, you love :Chic Lit" and I'm more light mysteries and I only read one author who could be considered a writer of "Chic Lit". But I decided to give one of your favorite authors a try, Sophie Kinsella and yes I am starting at the beginning with Confessions of a Shopaholic. I got the audio book since I'm in the car a lot and I'm halfway through but holy cow, Becky Bloomwood is a total nitwit!! I think it's worse listening to this book too, instead of giving up I got the book. Still not convinced I should go on but cripes she has to get better!!

I wish I could really talk to you about this series, I know you'd give me a few reasons to keep on reading when I really don't want to!

Specialization

The work project is underway, I'm so happy. I'll admit the first 3 days were a little rough but you know me, once I got some control it's been great. The boss says it's my business so I own what I have to work on. I love the logic of what I get to do...don't know what I'd vent about now, lol.

mean mommy

Yes, I'm being a mean mommy, your poor pitiful canine nephew is being nutz tonight. It rained last night and its windy now and Hiccup is being protective, any noise has him on high alert and he's also being needy and wanting attention. In these moments, sometimes for just a second I forget and life is back to the end of January. But even as I hold the boy reality comes back and I'm so glad I have this little furry child who somehow knows when I need him.

never far from my thoughts

I just downloaded my pictures from my trip to EPCOT and of course you let me know you are still around.

this was obvious!

these two reminded me of the adventures of Punchgirl and your dinners with the girls

I actually saw the dove first and immediately thought of you