Hiccup

Your sweet Nephew is stealing my Kleenex! I start to cry and look for my tissue and find it shredded at the foot of the bed. He is so lucky he is cute!

the 27th

January 27th was the last time we spoke...I wish I'd known we wouldn't speak again...I miss you so much, I hate that I won't hear your voice on the phone asking me how my day was or what was for dinner or how the boy were doing. Now I call myself a mean mommie when I tell Hiccup No!!  And you never gave me the recipe for Taco Rice.

oh well

So today was a beautiful day for the Daytona 500, not too sure about this new format but it's their game so I'll just deal with it. Jeffie drove the pace car and Tony peeked in while the guys in the booth were talking to him! Classic! Lots of crashes, Matt was out early, Junior and Jimmie got it too. I listened to the last 40 laps on the radio and holy crap if KuBu didn't win! I loved seeing all the pics of Tony in VL and in the press room on NASCAR.com.

I miss you.

another day goes by

Mom and I went to Hollywood Studios this morning and yes, I went on Star Tours. It was fairly mild!
Then we went to see the preview for Beauty and the Beast. OMG, Emma is wonderful, they showed the opening scene, when Belle is going through the town!! I started to cry while I watched, I do that a lot these days...I miss sharing with you, talking to you...

todays walk

found a dandelion fuzz ball as I walked today, so I picked it and blew as hard as I could, all but one flew away and so I tried to dislodge it and it would not budge. It reminded me of Horton hearing the Who and of course you. Steadfast and loyal, An elephant's faithful one hundred percent.

on the way to Lakeland I got stopped at a light and I looked up to see Maryland Street...never far from my thoughts or my heart

no lunchtime tears

I didn't walk at lunch today...just wasn't in the mood, it had been rainy on the way in so I expected it to be humid and I gave my tear ducts a rest.

I should be IM-ing you right now the duals are about to start...damn I miss you

taking it one day at a time

but it's been 20 days and even that is hard to believe.

I'm fine when I'm working but it seems like the moment I start to walk on my lunch break I start to cry. No, not for you but for me and what I've lost, what others have lost without the daily interaction with you. I think about your parents. Geoff, Otis, Uncle Ben and Aunt Lisa, I think about Kelly, Tara and Megan and Rosie the goat. I very selfishly think about how much I miss you and how I'll never hear your voice again. Even as I type this I am in tears.

I'm going to try and take it one day at a time, this is not the journey or the blog I wanted to write but it is a journey and blog of love and healing...

trying to find words

I love writing and putting words together but I've been at a loss and I wonder if I'll ever write again.
I decided to see what others have said about grief hoping to begin to heal...

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.”

 ― Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten: Uncommon Thoughts On Common Things

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

 ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”

 ― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

“Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.”

 ― Lemony Snicket, The Carnivorous Carnival

“It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again.”

 ― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

 ― Washington Irving

“The tears I feel today

I'll wait to shed tomorrow.

Though I'll not sleep this night

Nor find surcease from sorrow.

My eyes must keep their sight:

I dare not be tear-blinded.

I must be free to talk

Not choked with grief, clear-minded.

My mouth cannot betray

The anguish that I know.

Yes, I'll keep my tears til later:

But my grief will never go.”

 ― Anne McCaffrey, Dragonsinger

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

 ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”

 ― Tiffanie DeBartolo

Thank you GoodReads, your list of quotes has helped with a little healing

Message received loud and clear

Yes, I know you are watching over me

Yes, angel dear, I know you are up there...

Several of the days since you left find black cats on my "Bad Cat" calendar, not that Otis is bad!

Beginnings, endings and everything in between

A new angel came into my life on Groundhog Day and what Facebook deemed as Friendship Day. It is a day I will never forget and wish never happened but sadly my sweet friend died and I lost so much more than I ever thought possible.

I decided today that the best way to handle my grief is to write to her, continue to have my conversations with her and share things that happen in my day. Ok, I get this will be a one way deal, but trust me I'll hear her voice in my heart.

Besides, she wanted me to write more and maybe I'll get my muse of fiction as a bonus to my healing.

Feel free to read and comment...