Fridays are the worst

I love coming to my parents on Fridays and but I hate the drive, more now than ever before. 2 months ago I still had you. I could count on my phone to ring. Now I make sure I have a book to listen to and that my IPOD is charged, I have to keep my mind busy or I start to cry and can't see the road. I know I missed my father and grandfather when they died and I missed Tiffany, Widget, Sweet Pea, Rascal and Button but I don't think I realized how much I miss you, my little sister, my angel. I know I'm not the only one. You made such an impact on the lives of your friends and family and coworker and students.

Maks

oh no!! Maks got hurt during rehearsal, a freak accident and the doctors want him out for a month but of course he wants to be back on DWTS asap!

I love reading all the "headlines", all the drama, even accusations of sabotage!!

It's funny, I never would have ever watched Dancing with the Stars if you hadn't talked so much about Maksim Chmerkovskiy!

Can't believe it

but on Sunday it will be 2 months, exactly 60 days without you. And yes, the sense of loss is still new, fresh and unbelievable. I will admit that writing to you here and talking to you on my walks makes it a tiny bit easier; just a tiny bit.

I miss you dearest angel.

Just doin' what I always do but...

You had something else in mind, you know I adore those little reminders you give me that you are watching over me but seriously Jules, do you have to do them 2 days in a row?

I was leaving the building for my lunch time walk and of course I told you I'd gotten a card to send your parents, now, when I left the office building there were NO vehicles any where in my sight line, but by the time I got to the end of the building suddenly there was mail truck. Really? How obvious could you be and quick too! Talking about your parents and a dang USPS Truck drives up...and yes darn you I lost it for a few minutes.

I miss you so much, I need to hear your voice, oh yeah, you did that to me also today. It was so clear in my head, "What's going on?". I think I've been afraid I'd forget the sound of your voice but nope, I mean how could I?

and yes this still sucks...

Rebecca Bloomwood

Ok, I did finish Shopaholic and I don't find Rebecca Bloomwood as annoying when I read her instead of listening to her. I'm even going to look for the next in the series. Please do not say I told you so!!

Damn, but I'd really love it if you did. Miss you my sweet dear angel.

lunchtime tears

so I started on my lunchtime walk and of course I was thinking about you. I looked down and saw a little bird feather and my mind went to thoughts of my friend Karen, whenever she sees a feather it reminds her of her older brother who is up there with you. Then I laughed because every time I see a goat  picture or video I think of you; mainly because of all your tales of Megan's Rose. Then I thought about Megan and wondered if I should reach out to her, invite her to read this blog and if I invite her shouldn't I invite Kelly too.  My thinking is I'm not the only one who misses you more than words can say. By this time I was in the parking lot by the apartment complex that shares the office park with my work building; a car pulled in by the mail boxes and I could just make out the red, white and blue license plate as it drove by me and I broke into sobs, yep Maryland.

So I balled my eyes out for a while contemplating this blog and the idea of sharing not just with Megan and Kelly but all our friends. Maybe others need someone to talk to about their feelings, about you. I think I'd like that because it would be great to know I'm not alone.

I promise to reach out to Megan and Kelly in a day or two decide about the others, of course I can already hear  you say "Go for it Chica!"

Fontana and other Sunday musings

I don't know who hexed Matt Kenseth but someone must have...thought he was going to have a good race but dang it all if he didn't get tapped from behind and hit the inner wall. But Clint did pretty good, finished 3rd, best of all the SHR drivers.

The boys are curled up on my bed and I'm watching ME-TV, yes Columbo!

I finished 2 books today, one romance and one sort of Science Mystery. I've started to reread the "Cat Who" books for a break, they are pretty light and easy plus I love KoKo and YumYum.


Only a few tears this weekend, doesn't mean it's getting easier or maybe it does...I still miss you so much.

Topiaries of the Flower and Garden Festival

well, it took 2 trips but I found them all! It made for a nice walk around EPCOT the first day by myself and today with mom.

 Lightning McQueen, of course

 Ti double ger

Panda in China

I hate Fridays

Not really but Friday is the day I miss you the most. The drive after work won't be as bad as usual since the time change and I won't have to drive in the dark, but I expect more traffic than last week since Spring Break is over and everyone will be back on the road and not I'm not exaggerating, leaving Pinellas and going into Hillsborough county will be a you know what!!

I guess it's a good thing I have a good book to listen too instead of getting my phone call from you.

Spring, sort of

Yes, it's now Spring and down here we're lucky we've had the mild weather for a few day because I think Summer begin later today!! I even had my A/C on yesterday for a little bit. And we also turned the clocks back last weekend so Hiccup and I have been able to do afternoon walks at the park much to Harry's dismay. I did put a harness on the fluffy feline but he didn't really like it!

I can hear you laughing and calling me a mean mommy...

last night

It's so funny, I was sitting in front of my laptop last night thinking about what I wanted to write and to be honest I had it all in my head that when I shut down I thought I'd done it...yes, I was and am tired. I hate those days when my brain is so busy I can't think straight or remember if I've done something.

I miss you so much, I try to think of what you'd say to me and it hurts my heart and the tears flow. I have no clue what stage of grief this is, maybe I've created a new one, frustration.

And of course I now have no clue what I was going to write last night...figures...

Shopaholic

Yes, I gave up on the audio version of one of your favorite books for the paper version. Much much better for me, I don't cringe when I know what's going to happen next!! I can hear you laughing at me and I miss that so much.

Just want you to know that this really really sucks big time and I'll never accept it, silly I know, there you go laughing at me again.

 I think I need to buy stock in Kleenix

Dearest Angel

Just wanted you to know it's not getting any easier. On my way home this afternoon I found myself reaching for my phone to call you; then I stopped as realization hit me, tears rolled down my face.

It's the west coast swing last week was Vegas, this week is Phoenix and next Fontana. Matt just lost a right front tire and slammed the safer barrier. Funny, they just started back and 2 more cars wrecked.
Jamie Little talked to Matt, still not sure about his beard, but this is his 2nd DNF out of 4 races. You need to keep an eye on him...

Can you imagine I had nothing to write?

True I didn't write last night, I'd already shut down the computer when I realized it. Truthfully I was all written out. No, I didn't have a bad day at work, on the contrary, I'm busy but not stressed. I guess if was like one of our rare phone calls when I had nothing to say, I was just feeling nothing.

Mom and I are going to our happy place, we've done that most weekends in the past 6 weeks.

Audio Books

One of the many things we have in common is our love of books but our taste in reading material is extremely different, you love :Chic Lit" and I'm more light mysteries and I only read one author who could be considered a writer of "Chic Lit". But I decided to give one of your favorite authors a try, Sophie Kinsella and yes I am starting at the beginning with Confessions of a Shopaholic. I got the audio book since I'm in the car a lot and I'm halfway through but holy cow, Becky Bloomwood is a total nitwit!! I think it's worse listening to this book too, instead of giving up I got the book. Still not convinced I should go on but cripes she has to get better!!

I wish I could really talk to you about this series, I know you'd give me a few reasons to keep on reading when I really don't want to!

Specialization

The work project is underway, I'm so happy. I'll admit the first 3 days were a little rough but you know me, once I got some control it's been great. The boss says it's my business so I own what I have to work on. I love the logic of what I get to do...don't know what I'd vent about now, lol.

mean mommy

Yes, I'm being a mean mommy, your poor pitiful canine nephew is being nutz tonight. It rained last night and its windy now and Hiccup is being protective, any noise has him on high alert and he's also being needy and wanting attention. In these moments, sometimes for just a second I forget and life is back to the end of January. But even as I hold the boy reality comes back and I'm so glad I have this little furry child who somehow knows when I need him.

never far from my thoughts

I just downloaded my pictures from my trip to EPCOT and of course you let me know you are still around.

this was obvious!

these two reminded me of the adventures of Punchgirl and your dinners with the girls

I actually saw the dove first and immediately thought of you

I keep forgetting...

so many moments each day I think of calling you. I saw some silly animal videos I wanted to share with you, there was a recipe I wanted to tell you about, or to remind you it was Matt Kenseth's 45th birthday!

I wonder if it happens more because I know I can't...

OH NO!

sorry dearest,

I fell asleep and didn't write last night. I had a long back way drive to the parentals because of the Strawberry Festival. It was funny not funny but I almost called you while I was sitting in traffic.
It was kinda nice for a split second I totally forgot you wouldn't answer if I called.

Knocked over by a word

Out of nowhere I was slapped across the face, totally blind sided. I thought I was fine and suddenly I heard this word in my head, it was so loud and unexpected, I burst into nearly unstoppable tears.

dev·as·tate

[ˈdevəˌstāt]

VERB

1. destroy or ruin (something):

   "the city was devastated by a huge earthquake" ·

   [more]

   "bad weather has devastated the tourist industry"

   synonyms: destroy · ruin · wreck · lay waste · ravage · demolish ·

   [more]

   raze (to the ground) · level · flatten · trash · total

   • cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief:
     "she was devastated by the loss of Damian"
     synonyms: shatter · shock · stun · daze · dumbfound · traumatize · crush ·

     [more]

     overwhelm · overcome · distress

ORIGIN

mid 17th cent.: from Latin devastat- ‘laid waste,’ from the verb devastare, from de- ‘thoroughly’ + vastare ‘lay waste.’

RELATED FORMS

devastated	(past tense)
devastated	(past participle)

This "action" word stunned me, dearest angel, I am and I will always be devastated by your loss; but I promise to not let that keep me from moving forward.

Anger took a back seat

How can you be angry when you turn to the current date on your bad cat calendar and see this...

my first thought was "AWWWWWWWW, Otis!" and then I was sad thinking that poor Otis must miss you so much, I know you thought he loved Geoff best but remember he's a cat and you have to read between the line, he misses you so much and he will never understand why you aren't there so he can steal your socks.

just a day...

nothing special, just another day, a Tuesday, a day without you.

it still doesn't take much to make me cry, just the thought of you not being here, hearing my phone ring and knowing it isn't you but wishing so much that it was, seeing a black cat on my calendar, a baby goat video on facebook...

I still don't understand why...

Another Angry Day

ok, not the whole day but parts of it. I really miss talking to you on my way home from work, I try to vent out loud but it's not the same as hearing your voice.

I hate this.

Anger

While researching for my post about grief quotes I came across the "5 Stage of Grief" by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, to be honest I didn't take them seriously, I don't think I felt above them but I just didn't think they applied to me. Well today I realized it depends on how you think about them. I found that I am in Stage 2- Anger, no I'm not angry at you for leaving, I'm just angry at situations, you know how I hate stupid drivers when I'm in my car. Now I'm angry at them when I'm walking. I'm angry with God for taking you away, how could he need you more than your parents, Geoff, your family and friends, your students, me???

I have a feeling I will be angry for a very long time, dear angel, watch over me.

hair and toes time

yes, today was that day and the parentals got their eyes checked. and yes I still miss getting calls from you.

The boys are in Atlanta and most are still sporting facial hair even Matt! To be honest it's not a good look for him, makes him look old!!

long day short blog

sorry dearest, I am so tired but I will make up  for it tomorrow,,,

sweet dream

28 days

28 days ago I got home from work, took Hiccup out, turned on the laptop, opened Facebook and wanted to turn the clock back. I would have done anything to not see the words I saw, to wake up from the nightmare.

I cry for my loss, I cry because I wonder if I told you often enough how much you meant to me, I cry for all the times I want to call you and can't, I cry and am told it's all part of the grieving process.

Dearest, sweet angel, watch over me and know I will continue to write to you and hopefully one day I will finish the story you love and names will be changed to protect the innocent.

Work

So the specialization I was telling you about started today, I love what I'm doing but at the last minute my group was given an additional responsibility. YIKES!!! I actually asked if I could go in early tomorrow to get a better handle on it. Have to admit I'm a little worried. It's days like this that I really miss you, you'd have all the right words, probably words I'd said to you when you had a rough day at work...

it hurts so much...